-Has a beard, or failing that, really cool facial hair.
Fail. I am alternately cleanshaven and somewhat scruffy. I’m told by my “friends” that I look equally lame both ways. The one time I grew muttonchops, people would start laughing in the middle of conversations with me and walk away.
Fail. I have none. If I want stuff on my body, I’ll get Jung a bottle of Grey Goose and a magic marker. My pasty white skin is unmarred – I don’t even have any piercings.
-Listens to/plays punk rock, or at least contributes to a ‘zine about it.
I like Green Day. Does that count? Oh, crap. No. The only 2 radio stations I stream are “Accuclassical” and “Putumayo” on Iceberg. In other words, I like opera and weird world music. Also Dr. Dre. Unfortunately, none of those are cool at all. I used to listen to Enya before race runs when I did DH racing. If that’s not lame, I don’t know what is.
-Builds only something really cool like fixies or “urban” bikes.
I build pretty much anything and everything. I mostly tell people who come to me that I like their idea for a bike and I’d be happy to build it. I tell people that having fun is often more important than going fast. My logo has been mocked for not being “classic” or “serious” enough. Sigh.
-Studied art or comparative literature or anthropology of oppression, but dropped out of college because the man was keeping him/her down.
I got an international politics masters. Want to know about realism and the Cold War? How about effect of the cotton gin on the economic conditions that led to the civil war? Not geeky enough? I also got most of the way done with an MS in statistics. Statistics are cool. Way cool. If by “cool”, you mean that you’re the kind of person who works at an investment bank and carries a blackberry on your hip to keep up with stock quotes, anyway.
-Wins show awards and spends days carving custom cutouts for their lugs.
I have never been to a bike building show or any other industry event. I probably will never go to one, because I spend all my free time riding. And weekends count as free time, in my book. All my bikes just look like bikes, not Ed Hardy junk.
There’s more, of course, but you’re probably tired of my verbosity:
-I hate PBR.
-I hate bike polo.
-I don’t like cruiser rides or own a cruiser.
-I like to eat foods other than bananas (ok, that was a low blow…)
But today, I was core. Way core. Check it. The BOB trailer was NOT happy about 100 pounds of argon, but I managed it. Our “car” is in the shop being rendered roadworthy (hopefully), so my coreness was involuntary.
But it still counts.